My Life Carson Clippard
Read Carson's "Orchid Pond Hawaii" Online In ancient Polynesia, there was a legend about a giant beast which slept in the center of the earth. As long as the beast slept, things continued in their normal pattern and everyone was happy that the beast was pacified. But when the beast was woken, it became angry; the earth trembled and cracked with the force of the beast's movements, and earthquakes resulted. Along with earthquakes came tidal waves - massive walls of water, which could wipe out whole villages and even engulf entire islands in their fury. So, too, it is with us. When sperm meets egg, a unimaginable multitude of things happen. As many as the blades of grass in the meadow - so are the genetic combinations which can occur, and each of us ultimately emerges as a unique individual. A few years pass, and the beast within each of us awakens and releases a subtle but overpowering tidal wave of hormones; and, depending on how the genetic material	Photo taken last year with Wolfen and Raven

combined when the sperm and egg united, we are each set upon a path that is unchangeable. Neither threat from society or effort from within can change the direction of our yearning urges, and each of us is doomed to follow the pre-determined path already set upon the moment of conception.

So, too, is was with me.

My life has been vastly different from the lives of the majority of the friends with whom I grew up and graduated school. I had the misconceived idea then, that I was one of the most mature and sophisticated of the entire group. Little did I realize, that I was so far behind that I thought I was first.

I have always been, and always will be, a late-bloomer. Most of you with whom I grew up realized, I'm quite sure, that I was gay even before I realized it. In those days, in our culture, the attitudes were much different than they are today, and there was no other person in my circle of friends to whom I could relate concerning this sensitive issue. I, myself, did not fully realize my true sexuality until after I graduated high school and left home to attend a year at Concord College in Athens, W. Va., and met others like myself. But even then, I was uneasy with my sexuality.

After one year studying music at Concord, and realizing that I was truly gay, I went home to Wytheville, said goodbye to my mother, and never returned to Wytheville. The reason for this decision, adopted after many hours of soul-searching, was to spare my mother heartache. She was from a different school of thought, and I knew that she could never understand or accept my new-found life. Off I went, to Philadelphia, to seek my fortune. Look out world! Here comes Carson! (Still so far behind I thought I was first.)

Time passed, I adopted an alias (another ruse to keep my mother from hearing about my sexuality) and lived the usual fast life of a young, handsome gay guy - working as a waiter (Atlantic City), clerk-typist (New York), etc., cruising the bars at night - carefree days waiting for the nights to come, etc. We all know that story......... I went to Louisiana for the winter, got a job as Interior Decorator with a well-known firm, and spent a couple of years decorating and going to Cosmetology school at night. (Still behind, but catching up...)

Everyone knows how effeminate and nelly hairdressers can be, and no one cares because the sissy ones usually are the best at what they do.........My interest was tittilated by these sorts of people (Nelly in the closet) and, of course, I became fast friends (platonic) with many of them. One thing led to another, and, when I was working as a beautician in New Orleans, many of the entertainers from the French Quarter came to me for service because my name had become well-known as a very good stylist. In this manner, I met some of the first impersonators ("drag queens") in my limited experience. My interest was not only tittilated, I realized this was IT! LOOK OUT WORLD! (Finally caught up!)

To make a long story short, "Beaulah" was born on Mardi Gras day, in New Orleans, Louisiana, in the year l958. A couple of friends were working in Kansas City, on stage. I went to visit, was offered a job, and one of the biggest and most important decisions of my life was made then and there. I quit hairdressing on the spot, took a job on stage, and never looked back. (Look out Beaulah"!) The dazzling lights of the "Jewel Box Revue" (Kansas City), the world famous "Club 82 (New York), the laid-back southern charm of "The My-Oh-My Club" (New orleans), the "Talk of the Town" and the beautiful "Black Dahlia" (Chicago) - my career in Chicago was short-lived and came to an abrupt halt when the club-manager was shot to death in front of everyone by the hit-men hired by the Mafia who owned the club. We found out later that he had been skimming profits and got caught - and the "Diplomat" and the "Chesterfield Club" (Detroit) all played host, among others, to my "beauty". (Tee-Hee!) By this time, I was heavy into alcohol and speed (amphetamine) and didn't really stop to think, at all, where my life was headed.	Beaulah at 44 years old

Our show was booked into "The Purple Cow" in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, which proved to be the wake-up I needed. The Iowan potato farmers (church people every one, except the drinkers) were just not ready for us! We were called to the police station and given 24 hours "and not a minute longer" to exit the city limits of Cedar Rapids. Beaulah was gone on the first plane out! (Caught up and passed the others, I had thought, but didn't realize I was far behind again.) The year was l964.

So while most of you were rearing children, paying mortgages and child-care, and saving for the future, I was buying bird-seed tits (they move just like the real thing!) and hand-made wigs which look like every hair is growing right out of your head. And a lot of drugs and alcohol and other things to assist in my self-destructive lifestyle. Needless to say, Beautiful Beaulah had caught up in a different way than even she had expected.

I don't wish to make you believe that my life was seedy or sleazy. We were very good at what we did and people at many of the clubs where we featured would stand in line all the way around the block to see us perform. (Except in Cedar Rapids, Iowa! Tee-Hee)

This was in the days before Boy George, Prince, and the rock groups which used heavy makeup. Michael Jackson was still growing up. We were an oddity.

Nowadays, transvestites, transsexuals and sex-changes are a common sight on the streets of any large city, but in "our" days, acts like ours were very unusual and a great many people found us to be quite interesting and entertaining. I made another momentous decision on that plane out of Cedar Rapids in the beginning of 1964. I knew I had to get away from the wild friends with whom I was working and travelling, or I was lost. I decided to come to Honolulu, Hawaii - a new city (not even a city yet) in a new state where the people were well-known for their acceptance of the lifestyles of their mahu (little boys who want to be little girls) children.

Let me explain now that I never wanted to be a girl. I knew that I was only a boy in a dress, and did it for the money, the glamour (which I loved) and the sex (which I craved).

I was never a "true" transvestite or transsexual. They, unfortunately, have a much harder time adjusting to their lives, and in those days, most of them had to hide the fact of their sexuality. Thank goodness, times and attitudes have changed. (Beaulah and her contemporaries were a few of the ones who helped change their minds.) Now, most people have adopted a cosmpolitan outlook, and things are looking up for those who were genetically "confused" through no fault of their own.

Honolulu!! Balmy trade-winds, beautiful golden-skinned natives (one more appealing than the next) sunny, flower-scented days, and some of the most naturally beautiful Polynesian transvestites ever! Here, there was no need for hiding one's sexuality. Everyone is accepted as they are, and nothing more is thought about it. Beaulah had arrived in Heaven at last!

I got a job in "The Glade", a large show club in Chinatown which featured drag queens. Since I was "haole" (white-skinned), I was greatly admired, by the local people. At that time, there were not any other white drag queens here. Again, I was an oddity of sorts. (Caught up again!) I worked in the show for a few months until I realized that the bar was where the real money was. (There were so many local beauties in Honolulu at this time, and they were so naturally beautiful - some had even gone to school and graduated in drag - that they would work for practically nothing. They only wanted to be seen - a natural reaction to egotistical feelings - and consequently, the pay at "The Glade" was not high.)

Beaulah, the bartender was born! Enter Beaulah, the heavy drinker - since I could drink for free, why not! ("We Are Sinking Deep In Sin" - WHEEEE!) My life became a merry-go-round of drinking, working, and drinking while working. I loved it! I thought it would last forever! Unfortunately, one day I woke up and took a good look in the mirror (while my face was devoid of makeup). I was forty-four years old, beauty was fast fading, and Beaulah was due for a rude awakening. The so-called beauties of the world always seem to think that nothing will ever change, but nature and time have a way of proving differently. Youth and beauty are fleeting blessings, and the passage of time and the wear and tear of years of debauchery do take their toll!

"Beaulah! What happened to your 26-inch waist?" (Enter rude-awakening.) What could I say? "Child, it fled away with youth and beauty, searching for my hair! Ha ha ha........."

Beaulah knew it was time to hang up the bird-seed tits. I got a "straight" job in Waikiki, gave up drinking and smoking and changed my outlook and my life. Any rational person knows when it is time for this action. I did not want to end up like some of the old, worn-out queens I had seen hanging out in the bars and hustling the avenues.

I have been with the company in Waikiki for 21 years, now semi-retired. Also have a second job as chauffeur to a wealthy lady who is in ill health and must visit the doctor every day. I can look in the mirror and not cringe back or feel guilty when I see the 65-year-old face staring back at me. I have led an interesting and educational life, and all I can ask for now, is that it come to a peaceful and pain-free end. Beaulah is dead.

But Carson is still alive and healthy, and some of the memories and experiences have made him a better person. I have no regrets. The beast within me is resting.